New Year's Resolution: Let's start now.

Don't go searching for it.
Let it come to you.
Don't stress, don't fret.
It will find it's way.
Patience is a virtue.
Happiness only comes to those who wait.






















I plan to live by the previous statement to its fullest potential.
There are times when we, and i mean me, get caught up "in the moment" and not necessarily rationalize everything we do, especially when it comes to relationships.
I need to learn patience most of all. Be patient, Kaleb.
I met a couple at OZ on Christmas and i told them that i loved them and wished to be picture perfect like them. They were together for nearly 30 years and contently happy.
One of them looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Oh, you'll get it some day. Don't you wait. I promise it. But don't go looking for it. It'll come to you. He'll come to you."
In the words of Tyler Curry, "I need a hero!"
A damsel in distress doesn't find a knight in shining armor, the prince finds you.

So for now, I'll sit in my watch tower and be patient.
My patience begins now, not later.
Let my hair grow long and long, and just pull him in.
Then I'll be happy.

A New Leaf.

A tree at first glance appears as nothing but leaves and branches.

The leaves sway with the wind from side to side, with no support at all, but a tiny stem.
Seasons change quickly and the leaves fall one by one.
The tree will never look the same.
Next season's leaves will be completely different.

The branches sprout strongly from the trunk.
It is so easy to rely on them to swing and play.
They appear to be strong, but they break under pressure.

What is not seen unless you dig, are the roots.
They support the tree for what it is.
Remove the roots and the tree is nothing.
The roots are the core that keep the tree alive.

What if we got off the roller coaster together?
What if we moved on to the next ride?
What if we experienced new ups and downs?
What if you held my hand when you were scared?
What if you held my hand when you were happy, too?

What if you went on by yourself?





What if you knew that I would be at the end of the ride waiting for you?
What if I could just move on?
What if i let you ride that ride over and over?
What if the whole time I wondered why I wasn't with you?

Someday, Someone, Somewhere...

I know Seymour's the greatest
But I'm dating a semi-sadist
So I've got a black eye
And my arm's in a cast.
Still, that Seymour's a cutie
Well, if not, he's got inner beauty
And I dream of a place
Where we could be together at last

It's just a day dream of mine. A little development I always dreamed of. Just off the interstate. Not fancy like Levittown. Just a little street in a little suburb, far far from urban Skid Row. The sweetest, greenest place - where everybody has the same little lawn out front and the same little flagstone patio out back. And all the houses are so neat and pretty... 'Cause they all look just a like. Oh, I dream about it all the time. Just me. And the toaster. And a sweet little guy. Like Seymour -

A matchbox of our own
A fence of real chain link,
A grill out on the patio
Disposal in the sink
A washer and a dryer and an ironing machine
In a tract house that we share
Somewhere that's green.

He rakes and trims the grass
He loves to mow and weed
I cook like Betty Crocker
And I look like Donna Reed
There's plastic on the furniture
To keep it neat and clean
In the Pine-Sol scented air
Somewhere that's green

Between our frozen dinner
And our bedtime, nine-fifteen
We snuggle watchin' Lucy
On our big, enormous twelve-inch screen

I'm his December Bride
He's Father, he Knows Best
Our kids watch Howdy Doody
As the sun sets in the west
A picture out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine

Far from Skid Row
I dream we'll go
somewhere that's green.

Untitled.

Imagine if we all wrote a book.
The more and more shit that happens the thicker and thicker it gets.
Each word in a smaller and smaller font till no one can read it.
Its a completely different language that no one can read.
Only you.
Only you can understand what it says.
Eventually no one is on the same page.
People will try to read other's books but will they ever fully understand it?
In reality we all read at a different pace.
And very few will ever catch up and be in the same chapter.
Page after page after page it gets deeper and deeper.
Word after word after word.
Will anyone ever understand?

Personal Statement.

The January of my Fourth Grade year, I began to live in a single family household, only my mom, two older siblings, and two dogs. Things would never be the same; family life would never be complete. I may not have known it then, but from then on I would be striving to make a better life for myself, a self sufficient life depending on no one but me. I managed to make it through the rest of elementary school unscathed, until I left right before my 8^th Grade year to attend the local all boys’ high school, Archbishop Shaw. At this point my brother and sister were grown up and off to find their own ways, and I entered my first year of real high school. Fortunately, I had already been there for a year and knew how the system worked. Then Hurricane Katrina hit and turned everything upside down. Slowly but surely my family grew further and further apart. My mom, brother, and sister grew to hate one another, along with a vicious battle between my mom’s side and my dad’s side of the family. Obviously I was stuck right in the middle. From then on out, it was only me and my mom.

School started up again in October, and I was searching for my way out from all the things going on around me. The nearby all girl school was holding auditions for Beauty and the Beast. My math teacher said he would give us extra credit for auditioning since he worked with the director. I had shown a small interest in acting in grade school but never singing or dancing. I looked at my Pre-Algebra grades, then looked at the audition form and said, “What the heck?” Doing that show will leave me with things I will never forget. I finally found a place where I had no worries, the stage. It became a place that I called home.

Gradually, more and more connections were made, networking became easier, and now I’ve done shows with 8 different local companies ranging from high schools, to small local churches, to two of the biggest theatres in the New Orleans area. It is an amazing feeling to be able to be a part of the rebirth of theatre in New Orleans.

Along with balancing a busy rehearsal schedule, I managed to still stay involved in as much of school as possible. I was invited into both National Honor Society and Mu Alpha Theta, along with being a part of Respect Life, Art Club, and most importantly Peer Ministry and Music Ministry. Working on masses, retreats, and daily prayer was only half of it. It was important as a peer minister to be a guide for other students as well as a role model. The determination to go to work every morning before school, and follow school with rehearsal every day, is what makes it all pay off. All of my work is for my love of the theatre.

Being on stage performing has never made me a happier person. I was finally able to come in to my own person with no inhibitions. One thing I strive for is to be happy, and one thing that makes me happy is to see other people happy. Theatre fulfills this for me. Someone may be sitting in the theatre having the absolute worse day, but for a brief moment, no matter how miniscule, you can bring them a tiny flicker of happiness.


Hopefully this works out
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you
Thanks

Live it.

We as humans need three things to maintain a state of emotional stabily:
Affirmation
Validation
Apprecation

In general its important that we afre told that we are valued. This past weekend Ive realized that I am a "valued player." Its a great feeling. Although this weekend sucked royally, ithelped me realize this. I think returning from New York helped as well.

Id like to take this time to let you knwo that I appreciate you for who you are.
You are amazing.
Im glad we talk as much as we do.
When others are hating, I love you.
I love you.
I like how we always talk about him.
Im glad you are my first best friend.
Im glad you are one of my best friends now.
If I could give you my my heart, I would.
Only for you babe.

Never doubt yourself. Dont regret anything. Live life to the fullest.
If you ever think doubt, realize that you are something awesome to someone else.

The next time i see you I'll let you know I care about you.
Until then thank you blog for letting me open up to you.
Thanks.

Me for Me.

So I just returned home on Saturday and I miss New York so much.

Here is what i learned:
I'm proud to be gay. I am proud of the person I am. I didn't think that I would learn that on my religious leadership retreat. If anything, I was worried they would try to convert my ways or something. Don't get me wrong, I had a great time and I got a lot out of it. I wasn't there to change who I am. I am not a different person. I am a BETTER person. I realized that I am open to Christ and feel like a good moral person now. I also realized that God accepts me for who I am. He created me why would he discriminate against me. Im proud to be me, and He's proud of me.
Before going into confession on the retreat I was afraid to go in because I was afraid that God wouldn't accept me.
Someone told me, "Oh Kaleb, I use to be an alcoholic, and after last year's service I am changed."
In response I told her, "Its not the same, I'm gay."
Its not something I do, it is who I am. It is a part of me, not just an action.

I am proud of who i am, and i can't believe I learned it on this retreat.

When I finally had this realization, I knew that it was time to clear the air with Danielle, "the girl". I finally figured out why it was so hard for the tension to go away and why I neglected our friendship. I know that I am gay, yet I still having feelings for a girl. A GIRL. Every time I looked at her, in my head I was not only thinking about her, but also about the guy I last kissed. I felt so guilty. The only way I knew how not to lead her on and not get caught up in the feelings was to stop it completely. Don't think of it as a girl who likes a boy who likes a boy. Just think of an ex-relationship. We still having feelings for each other yet we know that it won't work. I've never dealt with something so difficult. I love her, but like i said, I am proud of who i am.

All in all, I feel great about myself. I finally feel like I know which Kaleb I am. I know how to answer my survey now. And honestly I have to thank God for that.
Thank you God for letting me open up to you
Thanks.

Good. Better. Best

This is going to be short.

I haven't been so satisfied with things in a while. I was stressed with so much shit for the longest time and i also had so many unnecessary stresses as well.
I'm at the point now when i feel absolutely satisfied with life. Everything seems to be right on track. Back on the right page.

At this point in time, I feel so good with all my relationships with all my friends. Each and every single one of you. The ones i didn't think were working out, are now better then ever before. Ive also realized to see friendship in others i didn't think possible. Wow. Ive never felt this sense of satisfaction with my friendships before.

I'm now about to leave to go to New York. I'm so fucking excited. Its not that often that people get to go to the big apple and I'm so happy I'm going back. The one downer is that I'm going with school instead of with my real friends and that its a retreat based around religion and leadership. I don't intend on getting a new religious Kaleb out of this but at least a more morally just Kaleb. But I'm fearful of change. Not that I'm afraid to change, but I'm afraid of having others change me. Who knows i may come back a totally different person. Its just i try so hard to find the best Kaleb and to have them change it around would suck.

I know I'm a good Kaleb.
I could stand to be a better Kaleb.
I'm in search of the best Kaleb.

Ill be sure to write when i come back or even while im there.
Until then blog, thank you for letting me open up to you
Thanks.

Survey for Kaleb

1. Full Name:
Kaleb James Babb

2. Sexual Orientation:
-Straight: What people see on the Westbank.
-Gay: What people see on the Eastbank.
[i never thought id describe it that way.]

3. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
-Finishing college at Holy Cross for either Physical Therapist or a Registered Nurse.
-Entertaining and performing somewhere, anywhere; teaching middle school.

4. Turn ons:
-Curly haired brunette with tight stomach and ass.
-Wavy haired brunette with strong face and body.

5. Heartbreaker?
-Im sorry for breaking hers. I didnt mean to ever hurt her.
-He broke mine. Im putting together the pieces.

6. What do you do on a Friday night?
-Theology and Eat: Pizza followed by deep talks of life and meaning.
-Party: Drinking, dancing, smoking followed by passing out on whoever is closest to you.

7. When was the last time you realized you did something wrong?
-I wish I would have realized that she wasnt going to judge me and she would except me no matter who i was.
-I wish I would have realized that i shouldnt have pushed myself on him and excepted how great our friendship was.

8. Why did your last relationship end?
-I realized that she was not going to be satisfied with our friendship outside of our relationship.
-I realized I was tired of feeling sorry for him and hated what we became.

9. How do you want people to see you?
-Someone guys want to be and girls want to be with.
-Someone guys want to be and want to be with.

10. Are you satisfied with the person you are becoming?
-I'm not.
-I'm not.


How can so many simple questions be so hard to answer?
When will I be able to answer them?
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you
Thanks

Not so cool beans

There are only a few things I can say
so i will say them in the words of Kelly...

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as damned as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world would cave in
It just ain't right
Lord, it just ain't right

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Lord, would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's magic and myth
As strong as what I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
But do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold me tight
Baby, hold me tight

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm searching for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
Waited so long

He's soft to the touch
But frayed at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still he's more than I can take

Oh and I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
He's such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's beautiful
Lord, he's so beautiful
He's beautiful

I guess thats I can say for now
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you
Thanks

From Paris to Saigon

"Kim: Tam's chance lies with you now, not with you now not with me.

Ellen: No! can't you see? It can't work,it can't be.

Kim: If you're saying that because you made him change his mind!
Chris must go away and leave me and his son behind!
If you're saying that, because my husband has another wife!
My child has no future,like the dust of life!
He must come tonight to my place!
Tell me so to my face!"

As the end of Miss Saigon draws nearer, Ive been watching the show more intently. The show itself is amazing. The story is something that everyone should see. Watching the show everyday has really put things into perspective. Hopefully most will come see the show so i'll try not to spoil to many details.

Everytime I think I am sad or depressed or stressed or i think things couldnt be any worse, i think of Kim, She has helped me realize how insignificant my problems are. I think at least i wasnt whored out to lose my viginity and then get pregnant and strive my whole life to make the best for your son no matter what it may take. The poor girl goes through hell and back. I know it may only be a show but these kinds of things happened in real life. There are people all across the world that have problems. Dont think that you are the only with problems. We all have them. No matter how miniscule it may be.

Paris for example. There is a girl on my bus whose name is Paris. On first meeting her she told me i was a "big meanie" and she was cheerleader. Well on the bus yesterday, the whole bus was completely packed, and she decided to sit next to me. Initially she was a total bitch. It was whatever though. Before getting off the bus, she decided to all of a sudden open up. It was so weird. Apparently she went to public school her whole life and she is now struggling to keep her grades up. When we got closer to home I said i was going to be glad to go home. Her response was something i never thought would have came out of the girls mouth,

"I really dont want to go home. I cant stand it there. I cant stay still for more that 3 minutes. ... I have ADHD. I know. I know. Its just i cant stay focused to do my work. Im getting medication tomorrow. I really dont want to take it. I really like who i am. Im a fun outgoing person and the meds take that away from me. I know that if i dont take then though then my grades with suffer with lack of focus. And with bad grades my parents are going to take me out of Karate. I cant do that. Its my life. So i am losing myself just so that I can do something i love to do, but cant reach my potential cuz im losing the real me because of the meds."

I didnt know what to tell her. Tears were welling in her eyes. The girl I didnt even know. She just so badly needed some to talk to. I just coudnt believe what was happening. As i walked from the bus stop i couldnt help but think about her. This was her problem. She had one. She, the tough girl who has to act hard, broke down right in front of me. We all have problems, and we will all evetually get past them. We all do. Just remember, when things are looking at thier worst, Think of Kim.

Things are pretty content right now
I wonder when my next problem will arise
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you
Thanks

Proud of Your Boy...

Sorry Darren and Dylan, this is not a shout out to the either of you. My mom actually told me she was proud of me. She told me how glad she was to have me around and how much she appreciates me. I could not believe this. Ive finally realized how much she depends on me. Im all she has. Im her one person she has to rely on. She has Dell... okay. That says a lot but he left his own wife for her, why wont he leave my mom for another "newer model". I almost feel bad for ever being negative about her. I know shes gone through a lot. But Ive also realized how much I am independent from her and everyone else in my family. I make a conscience effort to make a better life for myself. I am only 17 years old and still in high school. I should not have to make this kind of effort for myself. Well i guess you do what you gotta do. [Ima nikka bitch, im gonna say what i want to say and say it.]

But it seems like you cant build a bridge without burning another. I feel like just when you have a breakthrough and things are going great, things go downhill somewhere else and this past week that has been the saying for a lot of people.
While I was on evacuation, my sister called me to tell me she was in Dollywood with my brother and dad. She then went on to tell me i should have left my mom and went with them. I couldnt believe it. They are so selfish. This has gone on since Katrina. I felt like i was reliving the same exact moment during Katrina evacuation when i was on the phone with my brother and he told me "You should just let mom get her shit together and come move into dads with me and sis." I still cant believe they told me this. But it just seems like when Im good with one part of the family I have more tracks i have to cross with others. Why do they think Im so mature or something? I wish my family would understand me. Its sad. They never will... ever.

Now on to friends. Within the following paragraphs people will be mentioned or talked about in a roundabout way, but i will not say any names. I know you know who you are and so forth but it just makes it easier.
So over the evacution, Ive realized how much i missed my friends and how much they have been on my mind. While for some people, Ive become uber close with, others i feel as if i let them down. I still make the effort to make everything okay. Here again i keep thinking, Build a bridge and burn another. Just when things couldnt get any more perfect with one person, I just go and fuck things up with another.
One thing Ive strived to do is not be a disapointmeant for anyone. Ive been so disapointed by so many people in my past, i dont want to do that to anyone. I take such pride in being that strong person for people. So when i disapoint someone, its not only hurting them, its hurting me too. Im sorry.
I never want to hurt anyone, and im sorry if Ive ever disapointed anyone. That goes to so many people.

One thing that Kaleb Babb has realized is that he's not natually perfect. I am far from it. I guess all i can do is try and try again to be that person for people. I guess we will have to wait and see where this all goes.
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you
Thanks

Girls Im Positive. [I wish i could be more like you, Elle]

Im sitting in my grandparents motorhome with my mom and three dogs. Its fairly nice but this place is ridiculous. I would say there is between 50 and 75 spots for campers and the owner put two to every spot. There are well over 100 campers here. The poor lady that owns he place was a karina victim from the gulfcoast, so she has this crazy compassion for everyone. She refuses to tell anyone that they cant stay here. That means anywhere from 4-8 people per camper plus children like they all came out the old lady's shoe and everyone has dogs. And lets remember these are campround people. Has anyone see the movie RV? I wish all these people could be like Kristen Chenoweth, but they are all crazier. SO many people have walked around with no shirts on while holding a beer. and all the little kids swim around the clock. i hope they drown.

Ive realized my spirits have been down. Me out of all people am in a moment of weakness. I am doing so much better then i was doing before. Saturday night it was so hard to hold back my tears. to see my moms face was frightening. It was a face ive never seen before. she told me not to leave anything behind that i was be sick if i lost it. I gathered as much as i could and put it all in plastic bins. In this process i found Mouse-y. He was my stuff animal toy thing as a child. He smelt like grapes and i loved him, and even when i found him he still had the faint smell of artificial grape flavoring. LOVE IT. It made me so happy. I also found my baby silver teething rings. Ive been carrying them around with me since saturday.

Oh saturday. Saturday morning was great. As i drove home from Hannahs house, i couldnt help but think how great life is. I have been so perfectly content with life. Things were going so great. I had absolutely nothing to complain about at all. I cant help but wish i could just go back and relive that last week over and over. Things were just so good. I guess it just goes to show. Never get to comfortable with things when things are good. I guess my optimism is slowly going away, but things are looking up. I cant help but try to be positive now.

I just want to go back home, get in my bed, go to sleep, wake up in the morning, and it be all a dream. My only concerns are that shaw, my house, mt carmel and rivertown are still all in great condition. I need to be able to live in my house, i need to be able to graduate from shaw, i need to do a show at rivertown, and i need to be Seymour at Mt Carmel. I was telling my mom how happy i was and how great things were doing. She told me she realized it and thats why she letting me do the shows. She knows im happy. And im glad shes realized it. Things are finally better with us. She sees how much i do and how much i try to strive to live a good life for myself unlike the rest of my miserable family. She has finally realized my determination.

So all i can do is sit and wait and hope for the best
I know things are going to be great when i get back home
I just know it
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you
Thanks

Determination.... I GOT IT

Im sitting religion class as i write this. I got one of my black friends to give me a proxy to get on all the naughty sites at school. Apparently blogspot.com is a naughty site. Think about that as you read this. You're being naughty. ...its a good feeling.... i know.

So first off, congrats to me for getting Seymour in Mount Carmels production of Little Shop of Horrors. I have never been so excited to be in a show until now. Ive never dreamed of a better role. My one thing im slightly worried about is the fact that its after school and im already doing another show. I cannot believe that im doing two shows working and still in school. Unlike the way i thought it was going to be, school as been very very good. And i thought i was going to be completely stressed and depressed and out of control, but im so content. Im almost afraid. Its amazing. So this is my daily schedule --
430-700 : Work
700-230 : School
230-300 : Afterschool bullshit
330-530 : Little Shop Rehearsal
700-900 : Miss Saigon Rehearsal

That up there is absolutely ridiculous. But ive realized that i am determined to make this work for me. Katie at rehearsal told me this when i told her my schedule, "Wow Kaleb. thats crazy. but you know what, you are going to get everything you want in life, because you work so hard for it." That made me feel so good. Every once and a while i get discouraged about all the things that i do and all my crazy stress. But when i hear things like that it makes me feel great. Then Dell [moms boyfriend] said, "Eventually it will all pay off." Ive realized that it will pay off. Maybe not now, but in the distant future it will. Im going places.

Also i got accepted to go to New York for a leadership retreat at the begining of October. That is also amazing. I cannot wait. Being in NY for one is gonna be awesome, but to also be able to leave from there a better person and be able to help others even more than i do is gonna be greater. OMM im so excited.

I have been having the best days lately. Its amazing. I am so happy. But its just so ridiculous that im happy even though i got all this stuff going on. But ive realized that i have no unnecessary stress. i have no friend drama or in a serious relationship with anyone. [which is dissapointing but thats another blog] i just dont have time for it. This keeps me out of trouble and perfectly content with life. I also noticed with my positivity, the amounts of negativity of others. People are really disapointed and stress about alot of things. People should think about how fortunte they have to have the lives that we do. How privledged are you to even be able to read this blog. Be happy with the lives that we live. Lets hang out, Ill brighten your day i promise.

We'll see how things pan out over the next couple of months
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you
Thanks

Ewh,

...that last one was really whiney.
Sorry blog ill make sure to do better next time.
Until then thanks for letting me write to you
Thanks

School Daze

So here I am at school, and tired as fuck. I think I’m slowly wearing myself thin. I’m running on very few hours of sleep every night. I run from one thing to another to another and am in a constant rush. I had every intention of sleeping in homeroom this morning. My dumbass teacher woke me up in his silly little Cajun accent, “Listen here son; you can’t be sleeping in homeroom no more.” I could not believe it. I just couldn’t. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I’m ready to leave school. This has drawn the devil out of me. I’m not happy with school at all. I have a good time and all. Its school so it’s gonna suck. But my doctor has finally diagnosed me… I have senioritis.

I’m ready to be done. I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.

I am not satisfied with having school friends. There isn’t a single soul that I hang out with or would want to hang out with outside of school. But I think that’s okay. This means I will never have any drama with any of them. That means I will not have to worry about friend stress at school. This is good. I already have enough stress. Oh lord, stress really is my middle name.
But the more I think about it. It’s not that I necessarily want to more forward into the past, I would be just as satisfied to live the summer and the months preceding over and over again. But I only have 180 more days till graduation. It will hopefully come closer than expected.

Now I sound selfish. I want too much. I’m only going to have a senior year of high school once. I need to realize what I really want in life.
Until then blog thank you for letting me write to you.
Thanks

...and its done

Summer has just ended.
Where do I go from here?
Ive decided that I am not satisfied with the outcome this year. Dont get me wrong i had a really fun summer, it was a blast. Im not doubting any of my friendships or any of my new friends Ive made. I just dont feel like I have grown as a person this summer. I stayed at a stand still, if not even moved back a step. I havent gained any life experiences or had any amazing revelations. I guess I was just normal ole Kaleb, which is good but whats life if its just keeping up with the norm. Summer, satisfaction not guaranteed. I guess i dont read the fine print.
I guess all i did was keep my cool and gave advice where need be. Unfortuntely, while being the Kaleb that doesnt like mess, i bit my tongue when things should have been said.

"Im so sorry that things didnt work out the way they were supposed to, I still love you with all my heart."

"You make me one of the most happiest people in the world."

"I hate you more and more with each passing day."

"I wish I could tell you how much I want to be with you, but i know how it will effect our friendship along with my friendship with others and your friendship with others."

"Sometimes I dont like you."

"I feel like im living in a constant lie."

"You joke a lot but sometimes it really does offend me."

"Most like you a lot, but i dont like you around other people. I just like you for you. I dont think many other due."

"I dont want to be apart of any triangles."

"You are losing your control."

"You think im kidding with you, but sometimes i begin to think i may actually like you."

"Im never going to forgive you even though its all said and done."

"I want to be close to you, but all of our friends unintentionally get in the way."
"Just go away and things will get better."

"Like me back, damnit."

This list could just go on and on and until forever. I dont know why i didnt say all the things i wanted to. I guess i didnt want to be the bitch that said everything thats on his mind. But im starting to think about college and how much i want to be there. If i was going to college i would have said all these things and just left and there would have been no consequences. I wouldnt have to worry about it. But dont worry world..... im not a bitch. I care too much. Dont worry.

More recently ive been realizing how much i dislike my mother. Its reaching up closely to the border of hate. She talks to me like shit. I dont knwo where it comes from. Its like a permanent period. Most of the time i just keep my mouth shut and let her bitch at me but she hates it. I dont want to talk to her, everytime i do, she bites my head off for something else. This may seem exxagerated but its not. Thats the sad part. And now i realize why everyone hates her. She is slowly becoming one of my reasons to go away for college. I cannot wait till the day i move out.

Until then i have to get through my senior year. Today was my first day and im already ready for it to be done. I dont have the urge to want to be friends with anyone there and dont like anything about it. As school crawls closer and closer into my stress and depression my brain is filled with thoughts that shouldnt happen until later in the year. Im already worried tremendously. I know that im going to fall back into this circle of friends that i honestly love, but ill be falling away from others. Itll be like the beginning of summer where i go on double dates at the local pizzeria then go play video games with the guys and sing in the choir at church on sundays. Can you believe that was me? I know that it will be again. But am i okay with it?

What do I do? What is the real Kaleb? or have i even found him yet?
I guess i have all year to figure it out and answer all these questions.
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you.
Thank you.

All I want is to have a fucking picnic!

So i came to the conclusion at the very beginning of the day [i know that makes no sense but go with me] that today would be a very blog worthy day. I also decided that you sir, my blog, would be a diary of sorts. No one is going to read this besides myself really and maybe a few others [yes thats you] so whats the point to elaborate. There is none, so i will.
Today myself and Jeanne-Marie decided to go to the lakefront to have a picnic come hell or high water. Water it was. It rained all day. The ride there was one of the scariest rides ever with a person. We managed to get there in one piece. When we got there... the sun was out. We knew we would make it and it wouldnt rain. The only doubters of the whole day were out mothers. THE BITCHES. We had a really great time. We never really hang out just us even though we are each others best friends. She is the one person i can talk to about ABSOLUTELY anything. And she feels absolutely the same towards me. I love it. I love her. Even if we dont talk to each other for a week or even months at a time, when we do talk its like nothing as ever changed. The way my mother put it, we can be ten years old again when we are with each other. We dont have to be anyone but ourselves when we are together. Ive never felt more closer with her than i did today.
We ended up staying out there for a couple of hours. We walked around, up and down the shore, and up and down the levee. We eventually stopped at a bench. We never felt more peaceful then at that moment. I had no worries. Im one to have a ton of anxiety, but i had nothing to worry about. Just to see the vastness of the water got me in an amazed state of just freedom. Then thoughts came rushing into my head and i realized... Why would i want to leave this? Why would i want to be anywhere but here? I know that its not changling myself and im not seeing the world the way i should. Im not experiencing the whole life package but why not just stay right there. Why move on from whats good for no reason? I dont want to leave. Period. Ive realized finally why. Its not because Im afraid to have a dorm and be away from home. Or any of the normals. I dont want to be the person to say goodbye. My whole life im constantly worried about having to let people go. Or having people blame me that its my fault we dont talk anymore. Well if everyone leave me then its not my fault. Im content. People may come and go but im still here. Im here blog. Ill be here writing to you.
Later in the evening I watched The Devil Wears Prada. It scared me. Ive seen it before, but it never hit me like i did today. Andy changes herself for the sake of her job. At the beginning she thought that it was going to be a good thing and would just maintain her word status until she became completely entralled in it. Im afraid i may become that person. Im afraid im already her. So many times im told that im a good person and everyone loves Kaleb Babb. How many friends can one person handle at one time. Its a difficult thing to do. As soon as i move on to other friends for a while [especially during a show] any of my older friends completely throw a bitch fit. I feel like its a cycle now. Its happened probably like 4 or 5 times. Its not something i can help or soemthing that i want to happen. It just happens. i end up changing complete and total lifestyles to be friends with people. Its not like im thinking badly of any of my friends. It just worries me. Friends will begin to tell me... thats not the kaleb i knew and loved. While others only know me as that one Kaleb. I feel torn. Sometimes i dont know who i am.
I guess i need to find myself through all of this. We all need to find our meanings and purposes and what we are meant to do. Its why we are put on this earth. To make a difference in the world. Without everything we do, it would all stay the same. And once we find out what we need to do... puff, we're gone.
So Im going to say like Ellen said... Procrastinate. We all really should. We need to take our times and do things right.
WOW. Im surprised how all of todays events tied together.
I never thought I would write something so emo. Too late.
Be prepared for an end of summer blog. It should be interesting.
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you.
Thank you.

the beginning of my life as a blogger...

So this is it guys. The beginning of the end really. It has finally become the time when i begin blogging. I want to thank my peers Dani D and Matthias, as i read both of your entire blogs today. ... yes they were both very very long. But what can i say.

I guess I should begin, but where exactly could I even begin. Im sure Ill have all of two people reading this both of which probably know exactly what Im going to say anyway.

So blog... do i want to write to you as a diary? Or maybe I can just speak like im thinking out loud? That sounds promising as well. Hmmmm... what to think?
What is there TO think?
I think this well be the best of my rambling for now.
Im sure I will have many visits to you.
Until then thank you blog for letting me open up to you.
Thank you.