So i came to the conclusion at the very beginning of the day [i know that makes no sense but go with me] that today would be a very blog worthy day. I also decided that you sir, my blog, would be a diary of sorts. No one is going to read this besides myself really and maybe a few others [yes thats you] so whats the point to elaborate. There is none, so i will.
Today myself and Jeanne-Marie decided to go to the lakefront to have a picnic come hell or high water. Water it was. It rained all day. The ride there was one of the scariest rides ever with a person. We managed to get there in one piece. When we got there... the sun was out. We knew we would make it and it wouldnt rain. The only doubters of the whole day were out mothers. THE BITCHES. We had a really great time. We never really hang out just us even though we are each others best friends. She is the one person i can talk to about ABSOLUTELY anything. And she feels absolutely the same towards me. I love it. I love her. Even if we dont talk to each other for a week or even months at a time, when we do talk its like nothing as ever changed. The way my mother put it, we can be ten years old again when we are with each other. We dont have to be anyone but ourselves when we are together. Ive never felt more closer with her than i did today.
We ended up staying out there for a couple of hours. We walked around, up and down the shore, and up and down the levee. We eventually stopped at a bench. We never felt more peaceful then at that moment. I had no worries. Im one to have a ton of anxiety, but i had nothing to worry about. Just to see the vastness of the water got me in an amazed state of just freedom. Then thoughts came rushing into my head and i realized... Why would i want to leave this? Why would i want to be anywhere but here? I know that its not changling myself and im not seeing the world the way i should. Im not experiencing the whole life package but why not just stay right there. Why move on from whats good for no reason? I dont want to leave. Period. Ive realized finally why. Its not because Im afraid to have a dorm and be away from home. Or any of the normals. I dont want to be the person to say goodbye. My whole life im constantly worried about having to let people go. Or having people blame me that its my fault we dont talk anymore. Well if everyone leave me then its not my fault. Im content. People may come and go but im still here. Im here blog. Ill be here writing to you.
Later in the evening I watched The Devil Wears Prada. It scared me. Ive seen it before, but it never hit me like i did today. Andy changes herself for the sake of her job. At the beginning she thought that it was going to be a good thing and would just maintain her word status until she became completely entralled in it. Im afraid i may become that person. Im afraid im already her. So many times im told that im a good person and everyone loves Kaleb Babb. How many friends can one person handle at one time. Its a difficult thing to do. As soon as i move on to other friends for a while [especially during a show] any of my older friends completely throw a bitch fit. I feel like its a cycle now. Its happened probably like 4 or 5 times. Its not something i can help or soemthing that i want to happen. It just happens. i end up changing complete and total lifestyles to be friends with people. Its not like im thinking badly of any of my friends. It just worries me. Friends will begin to tell me... thats not the kaleb i knew and loved. While others only know me as that one Kaleb. I feel torn. Sometimes i dont know who i am.
I guess i need to find myself through all of this. We all need to find our meanings and purposes and what we are meant to do. Its why we are put on this earth. To make a difference in the world. Without everything we do, it would all stay the same. And once we find out what we need to do... puff, we're gone.
So Im going to say like Ellen said... Procrastinate. We all really should. We need to take our times and do things right.
WOW. Im surprised how all of todays events tied together.
I never thought I would write something so emo. Too late.
Be prepared for an end of summer blog. It should be interesting.
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you.
Thank you.
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1 comment:
loved it. that was really deep. i can definitely relate to the whole thing with the friends = show people. i havent talked to some of my best friends since june. the people who really care and who will always be there are the ones who dont give up. know that you always have those people who will never stop loving you. i looooove you sir, yes i do. :D
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