...and its done

Summer has just ended.
Where do I go from here?
Ive decided that I am not satisfied with the outcome this year. Dont get me wrong i had a really fun summer, it was a blast. Im not doubting any of my friendships or any of my new friends Ive made. I just dont feel like I have grown as a person this summer. I stayed at a stand still, if not even moved back a step. I havent gained any life experiences or had any amazing revelations. I guess I was just normal ole Kaleb, which is good but whats life if its just keeping up with the norm. Summer, satisfaction not guaranteed. I guess i dont read the fine print.
I guess all i did was keep my cool and gave advice where need be. Unfortuntely, while being the Kaleb that doesnt like mess, i bit my tongue when things should have been said.

"Im so sorry that things didnt work out the way they were supposed to, I still love you with all my heart."

"You make me one of the most happiest people in the world."

"I hate you more and more with each passing day."

"I wish I could tell you how much I want to be with you, but i know how it will effect our friendship along with my friendship with others and your friendship with others."

"Sometimes I dont like you."

"I feel like im living in a constant lie."

"You joke a lot but sometimes it really does offend me."

"Most like you a lot, but i dont like you around other people. I just like you for you. I dont think many other due."

"I dont want to be apart of any triangles."

"You are losing your control."

"You think im kidding with you, but sometimes i begin to think i may actually like you."

"Im never going to forgive you even though its all said and done."

"I want to be close to you, but all of our friends unintentionally get in the way."
"Just go away and things will get better."

"Like me back, damnit."

This list could just go on and on and until forever. I dont know why i didnt say all the things i wanted to. I guess i didnt want to be the bitch that said everything thats on his mind. But im starting to think about college and how much i want to be there. If i was going to college i would have said all these things and just left and there would have been no consequences. I wouldnt have to worry about it. But dont worry world..... im not a bitch. I care too much. Dont worry.

More recently ive been realizing how much i dislike my mother. Its reaching up closely to the border of hate. She talks to me like shit. I dont knwo where it comes from. Its like a permanent period. Most of the time i just keep my mouth shut and let her bitch at me but she hates it. I dont want to talk to her, everytime i do, she bites my head off for something else. This may seem exxagerated but its not. Thats the sad part. And now i realize why everyone hates her. She is slowly becoming one of my reasons to go away for college. I cannot wait till the day i move out.

Until then i have to get through my senior year. Today was my first day and im already ready for it to be done. I dont have the urge to want to be friends with anyone there and dont like anything about it. As school crawls closer and closer into my stress and depression my brain is filled with thoughts that shouldnt happen until later in the year. Im already worried tremendously. I know that im going to fall back into this circle of friends that i honestly love, but ill be falling away from others. Itll be like the beginning of summer where i go on double dates at the local pizzeria then go play video games with the guys and sing in the choir at church on sundays. Can you believe that was me? I know that it will be again. But am i okay with it?

What do I do? What is the real Kaleb? or have i even found him yet?
I guess i have all year to figure it out and answer all these questions.
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you.
Thank you.