Im sitting religion class as i write this. I got one of my black friends to give me a proxy to get on all the naughty sites at school. Apparently blogspot.com is a naughty site. Think about that as you read this. You're being naughty. ...its a good feeling.... i know.
So first off, congrats to me for getting Seymour in Mount Carmels production of Little Shop of Horrors. I have never been so excited to be in a show until now. Ive never dreamed of a better role. My one thing im slightly worried about is the fact that its after school and im already doing another show. I cannot believe that im doing two shows working and still in school. Unlike the way i thought it was going to be, school as been very very good. And i thought i was going to be completely stressed and depressed and out of control, but im so content. Im almost afraid. Its amazing. So this is my daily schedule --
430-700 : Work
700-230 : School
230-300 : Afterschool bullshit
330-530 : Little Shop Rehearsal
700-900 : Miss Saigon Rehearsal
That up there is absolutely ridiculous. But ive realized that i am determined to make this work for me. Katie at rehearsal told me this when i told her my schedule, "Wow Kaleb. thats crazy. but you know what, you are going to get everything you want in life, because you work so hard for it." That made me feel so good. Every once and a while i get discouraged about all the things that i do and all my crazy stress. But when i hear things like that it makes me feel great. Then Dell [moms boyfriend] said, "Eventually it will all pay off." Ive realized that it will pay off. Maybe not now, but in the distant future it will. Im going places.
Also i got accepted to go to New York for a leadership retreat at the begining of October. That is also amazing. I cannot wait. Being in NY for one is gonna be awesome, but to also be able to leave from there a better person and be able to help others even more than i do is gonna be greater. OMM im so excited.
I have been having the best days lately. Its amazing. I am so happy. But its just so ridiculous that im happy even though i got all this stuff going on. But ive realized that i have no unnecessary stress. i have no friend drama or in a serious relationship with anyone. [which is dissapointing but thats another blog] i just dont have time for it. This keeps me out of trouble and perfectly content with life. I also noticed with my positivity, the amounts of negativity of others. People are really disapointed and stress about alot of things. People should think about how fortunte they have to have the lives that we do. How privledged are you to even be able to read this blog. Be happy with the lives that we live. Lets hang out, Ill brighten your day i promise.
We'll see how things pan out over the next couple of months
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you
Thanks
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Ewh,
...that last one was really whiney.
Sorry blog ill make sure to do better next time.
Until then thanks for letting me write to you
Thanks
Sorry blog ill make sure to do better next time.
Until then thanks for letting me write to you
Thanks
School Daze
So here I am at school, and tired as fuck. I think I’m slowly wearing myself thin. I’m running on very few hours of sleep every night. I run from one thing to another to another and am in a constant rush. I had every intention of sleeping in homeroom this morning. My dumbass teacher woke me up in his silly little Cajun accent, “Listen here son; you can’t be sleeping in homeroom no more.” I could not believe it. I just couldn’t. I know this sounds ridiculous, but I’m ready to leave school. This has drawn the devil out of me. I’m not happy with school at all. I have a good time and all. Its school so it’s gonna suck. But my doctor has finally diagnosed me… I have senioritis.
I’m ready to be done. I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.
I am not satisfied with having school friends. There isn’t a single soul that I hang out with or would want to hang out with outside of school. But I think that’s okay. This means I will never have any drama with any of them. That means I will not have to worry about friend stress at school. This is good. I already have enough stress. Oh lord, stress really is my middle name.
But the more I think about it. It’s not that I necessarily want to more forward into the past, I would be just as satisfied to live the summer and the months preceding over and over again. But I only have 180 more days till graduation. It will hopefully come closer than expected.
Now I sound selfish. I want too much. I’m only going to have a senior year of high school once. I need to realize what I really want in life.
Until then blog thank you for letting me write to you.
Thanks
I’m ready to be done. I’m ready, I’m ready, I’m ready.
I am not satisfied with having school friends. There isn’t a single soul that I hang out with or would want to hang out with outside of school. But I think that’s okay. This means I will never have any drama with any of them. That means I will not have to worry about friend stress at school. This is good. I already have enough stress. Oh lord, stress really is my middle name.
But the more I think about it. It’s not that I necessarily want to more forward into the past, I would be just as satisfied to live the summer and the months preceding over and over again. But I only have 180 more days till graduation. It will hopefully come closer than expected.
Now I sound selfish. I want too much. I’m only going to have a senior year of high school once. I need to realize what I really want in life.
Until then blog thank you for letting me write to you.
Thanks
Friday, August 15, 2008
...and its done
Summer has just ended.
Where do I go from here?
Ive decided that I am not satisfied with the outcome this year. Dont get me wrong i had a really fun summer, it was a blast. Im not doubting any of my friendships or any of my new friends Ive made. I just dont feel like I have grown as a person this summer. I stayed at a stand still, if not even moved back a step. I havent gained any life experiences or had any amazing revelations. I guess I was just normal ole Kaleb, which is good but whats life if its just keeping up with the norm. Summer, satisfaction not guaranteed. I guess i dont read the fine print.
I guess all i did was keep my cool and gave advice where need be. Unfortuntely, while being the Kaleb that doesnt like mess, i bit my tongue when things should have been said.
"Im so sorry that things didnt work out the way they were supposed to, I still love you with all my heart."
"You make me one of the most happiest people in the world."
"I hate you more and more with each passing day."
"I wish I could tell you how much I want to be with you, but i know how it will effect our friendship along with my friendship with others and your friendship with others."
"Sometimes I dont like you."
"I feel like im living in a constant lie."
"You joke a lot but sometimes it really does offend me."
"Most like you a lot, but i dont like you around other people. I just like you for you. I dont think many other due."
"I dont want to be apart of any triangles."
"You are losing your control."
"You think im kidding with you, but sometimes i begin to think i may actually like you."
"Im never going to forgive you even though its all said and done."
"I want to be close to you, but all of our friends unintentionally get in the way."
"Just go away and things will get better."
"Like me back, damnit."
This list could just go on and on and until forever. I dont know why i didnt say all the things i wanted to. I guess i didnt want to be the bitch that said everything thats on his mind. But im starting to think about college and how much i want to be there. If i was going to college i would have said all these things and just left and there would have been no consequences. I wouldnt have to worry about it. But dont worry world..... im not a bitch. I care too much. Dont worry.
More recently ive been realizing how much i dislike my mother. Its reaching up closely to the border of hate. She talks to me like shit. I dont knwo where it comes from. Its like a permanent period. Most of the time i just keep my mouth shut and let her bitch at me but she hates it. I dont want to talk to her, everytime i do, she bites my head off for something else. This may seem exxagerated but its not. Thats the sad part. And now i realize why everyone hates her. She is slowly becoming one of my reasons to go away for college. I cannot wait till the day i move out.
Until then i have to get through my senior year. Today was my first day and im already ready for it to be done. I dont have the urge to want to be friends with anyone there and dont like anything about it. As school crawls closer and closer into my stress and depression my brain is filled with thoughts that shouldnt happen until later in the year. Im already worried tremendously. I know that im going to fall back into this circle of friends that i honestly love, but ill be falling away from others. Itll be like the beginning of summer where i go on double dates at the local pizzeria then go play video games with the guys and sing in the choir at church on sundays. Can you believe that was me? I know that it will be again. But am i okay with it?
What do I do? What is the real Kaleb? or have i even found him yet?
I guess i have all year to figure it out and answer all these questions.
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you.
Thank you.
Where do I go from here?
Ive decided that I am not satisfied with the outcome this year. Dont get me wrong i had a really fun summer, it was a blast. Im not doubting any of my friendships or any of my new friends Ive made. I just dont feel like I have grown as a person this summer. I stayed at a stand still, if not even moved back a step. I havent gained any life experiences or had any amazing revelations. I guess I was just normal ole Kaleb, which is good but whats life if its just keeping up with the norm. Summer, satisfaction not guaranteed. I guess i dont read the fine print.
I guess all i did was keep my cool and gave advice where need be. Unfortuntely, while being the Kaleb that doesnt like mess, i bit my tongue when things should have been said.
"Im so sorry that things didnt work out the way they were supposed to, I still love you with all my heart."
"You make me one of the most happiest people in the world."
"I hate you more and more with each passing day."
"I wish I could tell you how much I want to be with you, but i know how it will effect our friendship along with my friendship with others and your friendship with others."
"Sometimes I dont like you."
"I feel like im living in a constant lie."
"You joke a lot but sometimes it really does offend me."
"Most like you a lot, but i dont like you around other people. I just like you for you. I dont think many other due."
"I dont want to be apart of any triangles."
"You are losing your control."
"You think im kidding with you, but sometimes i begin to think i may actually like you."
"Im never going to forgive you even though its all said and done."
"I want to be close to you, but all of our friends unintentionally get in the way."
"Just go away and things will get better."
"Like me back, damnit."
This list could just go on and on and until forever. I dont know why i didnt say all the things i wanted to. I guess i didnt want to be the bitch that said everything thats on his mind. But im starting to think about college and how much i want to be there. If i was going to college i would have said all these things and just left and there would have been no consequences. I wouldnt have to worry about it. But dont worry world..... im not a bitch. I care too much. Dont worry.
More recently ive been realizing how much i dislike my mother. Its reaching up closely to the border of hate. She talks to me like shit. I dont knwo where it comes from. Its like a permanent period. Most of the time i just keep my mouth shut and let her bitch at me but she hates it. I dont want to talk to her, everytime i do, she bites my head off for something else. This may seem exxagerated but its not. Thats the sad part. And now i realize why everyone hates her. She is slowly becoming one of my reasons to go away for college. I cannot wait till the day i move out.
Until then i have to get through my senior year. Today was my first day and im already ready for it to be done. I dont have the urge to want to be friends with anyone there and dont like anything about it. As school crawls closer and closer into my stress and depression my brain is filled with thoughts that shouldnt happen until later in the year. Im already worried tremendously. I know that im going to fall back into this circle of friends that i honestly love, but ill be falling away from others. Itll be like the beginning of summer where i go on double dates at the local pizzeria then go play video games with the guys and sing in the choir at church on sundays. Can you believe that was me? I know that it will be again. But am i okay with it?
What do I do? What is the real Kaleb? or have i even found him yet?
I guess i have all year to figure it out and answer all these questions.
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you.
Thank you.
Friday, August 1, 2008
All I want is to have a fucking picnic!
So i came to the conclusion at the very beginning of the day [i know that makes no sense but go with me] that today would be a very blog worthy day. I also decided that you sir, my blog, would be a diary of sorts. No one is going to read this besides myself really and maybe a few others [yes thats you] so whats the point to elaborate. There is none, so i will.
Today myself and Jeanne-Marie decided to go to the lakefront to have a picnic come hell or high water. Water it was. It rained all day. The ride there was one of the scariest rides ever with a person. We managed to get there in one piece. When we got there... the sun was out. We knew we would make it and it wouldnt rain. The only doubters of the whole day were out mothers. THE BITCHES. We had a really great time. We never really hang out just us even though we are each others best friends. She is the one person i can talk to about ABSOLUTELY anything. And she feels absolutely the same towards me. I love it. I love her. Even if we dont talk to each other for a week or even months at a time, when we do talk its like nothing as ever changed. The way my mother put it, we can be ten years old again when we are with each other. We dont have to be anyone but ourselves when we are together. Ive never felt more closer with her than i did today.
We ended up staying out there for a couple of hours. We walked around, up and down the shore, and up and down the levee. We eventually stopped at a bench. We never felt more peaceful then at that moment. I had no worries. Im one to have a ton of anxiety, but i had nothing to worry about. Just to see the vastness of the water got me in an amazed state of just freedom. Then thoughts came rushing into my head and i realized... Why would i want to leave this? Why would i want to be anywhere but here? I know that its not changling myself and im not seeing the world the way i should. Im not experiencing the whole life package but why not just stay right there. Why move on from whats good for no reason? I dont want to leave. Period. Ive realized finally why. Its not because Im afraid to have a dorm and be away from home. Or any of the normals. I dont want to be the person to say goodbye. My whole life im constantly worried about having to let people go. Or having people blame me that its my fault we dont talk anymore. Well if everyone leave me then its not my fault. Im content. People may come and go but im still here. Im here blog. Ill be here writing to you.
Later in the evening I watched The Devil Wears Prada. It scared me. Ive seen it before, but it never hit me like i did today. Andy changes herself for the sake of her job. At the beginning she thought that it was going to be a good thing and would just maintain her word status until she became completely entralled in it. Im afraid i may become that person. Im afraid im already her. So many times im told that im a good person and everyone loves Kaleb Babb. How many friends can one person handle at one time. Its a difficult thing to do. As soon as i move on to other friends for a while [especially during a show] any of my older friends completely throw a bitch fit. I feel like its a cycle now. Its happened probably like 4 or 5 times. Its not something i can help or soemthing that i want to happen. It just happens. i end up changing complete and total lifestyles to be friends with people. Its not like im thinking badly of any of my friends. It just worries me. Friends will begin to tell me... thats not the kaleb i knew and loved. While others only know me as that one Kaleb. I feel torn. Sometimes i dont know who i am.
I guess i need to find myself through all of this. We all need to find our meanings and purposes and what we are meant to do. Its why we are put on this earth. To make a difference in the world. Without everything we do, it would all stay the same. And once we find out what we need to do... puff, we're gone.
So Im going to say like Ellen said... Procrastinate. We all really should. We need to take our times and do things right.
WOW. Im surprised how all of todays events tied together.
I never thought I would write something so emo. Too late.
Be prepared for an end of summer blog. It should be interesting.
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you.
Thank you.
Today myself and Jeanne-Marie decided to go to the lakefront to have a picnic come hell or high water. Water it was. It rained all day. The ride there was one of the scariest rides ever with a person. We managed to get there in one piece. When we got there... the sun was out. We knew we would make it and it wouldnt rain. The only doubters of the whole day were out mothers. THE BITCHES. We had a really great time. We never really hang out just us even though we are each others best friends. She is the one person i can talk to about ABSOLUTELY anything. And she feels absolutely the same towards me. I love it. I love her. Even if we dont talk to each other for a week or even months at a time, when we do talk its like nothing as ever changed. The way my mother put it, we can be ten years old again when we are with each other. We dont have to be anyone but ourselves when we are together. Ive never felt more closer with her than i did today.
We ended up staying out there for a couple of hours. We walked around, up and down the shore, and up and down the levee. We eventually stopped at a bench. We never felt more peaceful then at that moment. I had no worries. Im one to have a ton of anxiety, but i had nothing to worry about. Just to see the vastness of the water got me in an amazed state of just freedom. Then thoughts came rushing into my head and i realized... Why would i want to leave this? Why would i want to be anywhere but here? I know that its not changling myself and im not seeing the world the way i should. Im not experiencing the whole life package but why not just stay right there. Why move on from whats good for no reason? I dont want to leave. Period. Ive realized finally why. Its not because Im afraid to have a dorm and be away from home. Or any of the normals. I dont want to be the person to say goodbye. My whole life im constantly worried about having to let people go. Or having people blame me that its my fault we dont talk anymore. Well if everyone leave me then its not my fault. Im content. People may come and go but im still here. Im here blog. Ill be here writing to you.
Later in the evening I watched The Devil Wears Prada. It scared me. Ive seen it before, but it never hit me like i did today. Andy changes herself for the sake of her job. At the beginning she thought that it was going to be a good thing and would just maintain her word status until she became completely entralled in it. Im afraid i may become that person. Im afraid im already her. So many times im told that im a good person and everyone loves Kaleb Babb. How many friends can one person handle at one time. Its a difficult thing to do. As soon as i move on to other friends for a while [especially during a show] any of my older friends completely throw a bitch fit. I feel like its a cycle now. Its happened probably like 4 or 5 times. Its not something i can help or soemthing that i want to happen. It just happens. i end up changing complete and total lifestyles to be friends with people. Its not like im thinking badly of any of my friends. It just worries me. Friends will begin to tell me... thats not the kaleb i knew and loved. While others only know me as that one Kaleb. I feel torn. Sometimes i dont know who i am.
I guess i need to find myself through all of this. We all need to find our meanings and purposes and what we are meant to do. Its why we are put on this earth. To make a difference in the world. Without everything we do, it would all stay the same. And once we find out what we need to do... puff, we're gone.
So Im going to say like Ellen said... Procrastinate. We all really should. We need to take our times and do things right.
WOW. Im surprised how all of todays events tied together.
I never thought I would write something so emo. Too late.
Be prepared for an end of summer blog. It should be interesting.
Until then blog thank you for letting me open up to you.
Thank you.
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