Bye bye to Bye Bye Birdie. These 8 months have been the longest of my life, and i loved every second of it.
Shall we recap all the way back to July.
Pajamas, fish visits, Marty, sushi and ice cream, best friends and relationships, Baja Blast, Djarum blacks, baby tiny coffee pots, working at 430 every morning, car accidents, "American Girl", steamy kisses, party, party, party, Facebook marriages, gay day, boat launches and levees, pre-show tequila shots, little miss sunshine, finding myself in New York city, yellow converse, Bourbon Street and all events included, Homecoming after party, the fly, Alladin, Gem Theatre, Skid Row, long talks, curly hair, Christmas Break. Period, golden girl snuggie pool parties, headbands, Santa Claus without a cause, Kitty Barbie with a dick, zebra vest, longer talks, Chorus, cuts and bruises and mug dances, hating the NOCCA kids then becoming their gay dad, Superbowl "Party", 80's dance, Birthday weekend, cutting Footloose and kicking off my Sunday shoes, University of Central Florida auditions, building relationships for the fourth time, rekindling old relationships, more hookups, more pot, more alcohol, cowboy hats and kinky principals, one final show, and "Talk to Me."
The things Ive done. The lesson Ive learned. The things we've all done. The lessons we've all learned.
All worth it. I loved every single second.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Monday, March 23, 2009
... another show.
Today I open my final high school musical. I didn't think this day would ever happen. As much as I am looking forward to the show, the ending will be bittersweet as most shows are when they come to a close.
Lately my life has seemed to be a horribly scripted docudrama you would see on Lifetime. You know, the one with that gay kid that gets involved with several people within his circle of friends, hooks up with and builds a relationship with that straight kid, and then realizes he's madly in love with one of his closest girl friends, all still struggling through his senior year of high school, working every morning before school, making it through 7 shows in merely 8 months, and strive to be a normal teenage boy.
That's all i really want. I want to be just a normal teenage boy. I know that its not realistic, but it'd be nice to be that young man who has his significant other and hangs out with his friends on the weekends. Normal seems to be a little appealing to me right now. But really... who's to say what normal really is.
Saturday night I ended up half way out to Hammond and an hour away from Kenner. Scared doesn't even begin to describe how i felt. Dark, alone, no exit signs, not an idea where i was. And im not just describing my lost trip. Ive felt that way a lot about life recently. But I'm learning. I learn from every single thing.
Ive learned that i know when i need to be a good friend.
Ive learned i will always care.
Ive learned when i need to give someone space to think.
Ive learned to shrug things off when you cant hold on to them forever.
Ive learned people are really critical.
Ive learned things will always be awkward with some people.
Ive learned friends are constantly at my side.
Ive learned to stick up for people who deserve a second chance.
Ive learned every roller coaster has to go downhill before it can go back up.
Ive learned that when you get off the roller coaster, you want to get right back on.
Ive learned i have no regrets.
Ive learned to scratch things off my list of emotional issues.
Ive learned if you write hard enough, no matter how much you erase, the print is still there.
Ive learned that I am growing with every single day.
Ive learned that you will watch me grow.
Life never ceases to amaze me.
And this is it. The end of an era. The funny thing is its not the end. Its just the beginning to the rest of my life.
Walking out to center stage, I look out to the crowd. Raise my head high, and take my final bow. I stand and take a quick smirk to loves one and fall back into line. All i can help but think as i try to hold back tear at the end of every show is. Its done. Another show. And i loved every minute of it.
Lately my life has seemed to be a horribly scripted docudrama you would see on Lifetime. You know, the one with that gay kid that gets involved with several people within his circle of friends, hooks up with and builds a relationship with that straight kid, and then realizes he's madly in love with one of his closest girl friends, all still struggling through his senior year of high school, working every morning before school, making it through 7 shows in merely 8 months, and strive to be a normal teenage boy.
That's all i really want. I want to be just a normal teenage boy. I know that its not realistic, but it'd be nice to be that young man who has his significant other and hangs out with his friends on the weekends. Normal seems to be a little appealing to me right now. But really... who's to say what normal really is.
Saturday night I ended up half way out to Hammond and an hour away from Kenner. Scared doesn't even begin to describe how i felt. Dark, alone, no exit signs, not an idea where i was. And im not just describing my lost trip. Ive felt that way a lot about life recently. But I'm learning. I learn from every single thing.
Ive learned that i know when i need to be a good friend.
Ive learned i will always care.
Ive learned when i need to give someone space to think.
Ive learned to shrug things off when you cant hold on to them forever.
Ive learned people are really critical.
Ive learned things will always be awkward with some people.
Ive learned friends are constantly at my side.
Ive learned to stick up for people who deserve a second chance.
Ive learned every roller coaster has to go downhill before it can go back up.
Ive learned that when you get off the roller coaster, you want to get right back on.
Ive learned i have no regrets.
Ive learned to scratch things off my list of emotional issues.
Ive learned if you write hard enough, no matter how much you erase, the print is still there.
Ive learned that I am growing with every single day.
Ive learned that you will watch me grow.
Life never ceases to amaze me.
And this is it. The end of an era. The funny thing is its not the end. Its just the beginning to the rest of my life.
Walking out to center stage, I look out to the crowd. Raise my head high, and take my final bow. I stand and take a quick smirk to loves one and fall back into line. All i can help but think as i try to hold back tear at the end of every show is. Its done. Another show. And i loved every minute of it.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Kelly, Period.
The term, YOU, can be used single, plural, masculine, feminine, abstract, or concrete.
And thats exactly what i think about when i listen to this song. Whether it be about a single person or even a group of friends. Whether its one single boy or a group of girls. Whether it be about the place i hate the most or memories i chose not to remember. Whether it be you... or even me. Whether it be the me that i don't want you to see or i don't want to see anymore. Whether it be the me you remember or the me that i long forgot.
Since U been gone,
I can breath for the first time.
You should know,
Now i get what i want.
Friday, February 6, 2009
The List.
As I write this blog, it is currently early morning on February 6, 2009, officially one week until my birthday. The 17th year of my life was definitely that of something substantial. I started doing real theatre for the first time and things have only been looking up from there. Also, in this past year I went on OLR in New York. That was most likely the best experience of my life. I finally understood myself and how I fit in to my surroundings. Yesterday, I was reading a friend of minds witness talk for some peer to peer help. The more I read the more I missed that single week in the middle of the New Jersey woods with 80 people I didn’t even know and how much it affected my life. Oh how much I miss it.
Also, in my 17th year, the list was created. We all have the list no matter how much we try to deny that it exists. We all date, we all fuck around, and we all fuck up. The people on your list will continuously continue to grow. The list…
1. At the beginning of the list is simple. We date someone, and we think that it is the best thing that you think could have ever happened. Unfortunately, not all relationships work out. If it ends badly, you most likely won’t talk anymore and there is awkwardness every time you see them. No matter how hard you try to mend things, you’ll probably never speak again.
2. Slowly the list becomes more complicated. You may talk to someone and there may be mutual feelings. Then the other person realizes that you shouldn’t be together, and eventually you stop talking. In the future, you still become friends, but every once in a while, you start thinking of the past and how good it could have been.
3. There are some people on your list that you will continue to keep close. You date, hook up, and things seem to be almost perfect. The emotional attraction is there, and even the physical attraction is there as well. But it won’t work out. You both try so hard but in the end, ultimately it will never happen.
4. Sometimes some of your closest friends end up on the list. You wish that they wouldn’t be there but when you are with them it’s sometimes the most comforting. Unfortunately, your friendship will suffer from the relationship you are trying to make and things might just be better separate.
5. By this time, your list has substantially grown and you think you’ve matured in your choices. Although the people on the list aren’t always mature enough to be there. You want relationships to work out but the other person isn’t always ready for it and kinda fucks it up. Unfortunately, they end up being another person that you probably won’t talk to much anymore.
6. There are people that lead you on to believe that you like them. They tell you they want to get with you, then as soon as you show interest, it’s done and it they make it look like you are the needy one.
7. Some people you show no interest in at all, yet they still like you. You begin to tell yourself that you like them purely because it would be easy. But is it really easy to like someone only because they are simple just “there.”
8. Your list grows and grows and sometimes you only want someone to be your friend. You become there friend, and bam one thing leads to another, and you are head over heels for each other, then BAM as quick as a switch blade, they leave the picture.
I’m almost positive we all know of this list. As soon as a relationship begins or ends or even when you see on your numbered friends, you can’t help but have the list cross your mind. The relationships you have with each of these people will never be the same. There isn’t a single thing you can do to change it. Sometimes you may act like there isn’t any history between the two of you and sometimes that might just be the right thing to think.
Every once in a while people of your list get brought up in to conversations. “You should get back with him, you seemed good together.” “Why don’t you get back with him, Why didn’t that work out?” “If you were both attracted to each other then why didn’t it work out?”
I’m constantly reminded on a daily basis of each of the people on my list. Whether how small or big the relationship was, I think about it. As tiny as a, “Hmmm, I like you” to a “one night thing” to a “I’m sorry I don’t like you” to a “I thought we were gonna work out”. My thought process goes from one thing to the next to the next. And it’s not like I’m thinking of things that don’t involve me, each thing I am a definite part of and reminded all the time. I don’t regret a single one of my decisions though. I’ve grown from each one.
It’s just sometimes I wish that I could have a single person who I am like best friends with that I can vent to about absolutely everything and they not be directly involved in a single situation. One person who knew all of my people, but didn’t care about a single one of them. Unfortunately if they didn’t care about any of them then they wouldn’t know any of them and the effort would be useless.
My 18th year should be that of an interesting one. I’ll be finishing high school and I’ll be beginning college. I’ll be an adult. Woah. This should be very very interesting.
Also, in my 17th year, the list was created. We all have the list no matter how much we try to deny that it exists. We all date, we all fuck around, and we all fuck up. The people on your list will continuously continue to grow. The list…
1. At the beginning of the list is simple. We date someone, and we think that it is the best thing that you think could have ever happened. Unfortunately, not all relationships work out. If it ends badly, you most likely won’t talk anymore and there is awkwardness every time you see them. No matter how hard you try to mend things, you’ll probably never speak again.
2. Slowly the list becomes more complicated. You may talk to someone and there may be mutual feelings. Then the other person realizes that you shouldn’t be together, and eventually you stop talking. In the future, you still become friends, but every once in a while, you start thinking of the past and how good it could have been.
3. There are some people on your list that you will continue to keep close. You date, hook up, and things seem to be almost perfect. The emotional attraction is there, and even the physical attraction is there as well. But it won’t work out. You both try so hard but in the end, ultimately it will never happen.
4. Sometimes some of your closest friends end up on the list. You wish that they wouldn’t be there but when you are with them it’s sometimes the most comforting. Unfortunately, your friendship will suffer from the relationship you are trying to make and things might just be better separate.
5. By this time, your list has substantially grown and you think you’ve matured in your choices. Although the people on the list aren’t always mature enough to be there. You want relationships to work out but the other person isn’t always ready for it and kinda fucks it up. Unfortunately, they end up being another person that you probably won’t talk to much anymore.
6. There are people that lead you on to believe that you like them. They tell you they want to get with you, then as soon as you show interest, it’s done and it they make it look like you are the needy one.
7. Some people you show no interest in at all, yet they still like you. You begin to tell yourself that you like them purely because it would be easy. But is it really easy to like someone only because they are simple just “there.”
8. Your list grows and grows and sometimes you only want someone to be your friend. You become there friend, and bam one thing leads to another, and you are head over heels for each other, then BAM as quick as a switch blade, they leave the picture.
I’m almost positive we all know of this list. As soon as a relationship begins or ends or even when you see on your numbered friends, you can’t help but have the list cross your mind. The relationships you have with each of these people will never be the same. There isn’t a single thing you can do to change it. Sometimes you may act like there isn’t any history between the two of you and sometimes that might just be the right thing to think.
Every once in a while people of your list get brought up in to conversations. “You should get back with him, you seemed good together.” “Why don’t you get back with him, Why didn’t that work out?” “If you were both attracted to each other then why didn’t it work out?”
I’m constantly reminded on a daily basis of each of the people on my list. Whether how small or big the relationship was, I think about it. As tiny as a, “Hmmm, I like you” to a “one night thing” to a “I’m sorry I don’t like you” to a “I thought we were gonna work out”. My thought process goes from one thing to the next to the next. And it’s not like I’m thinking of things that don’t involve me, each thing I am a definite part of and reminded all the time. I don’t regret a single one of my decisions though. I’ve grown from each one.
It’s just sometimes I wish that I could have a single person who I am like best friends with that I can vent to about absolutely everything and they not be directly involved in a single situation. One person who knew all of my people, but didn’t care about a single one of them. Unfortunately if they didn’t care about any of them then they wouldn’t know any of them and the effort would be useless.
My 18th year should be that of an interesting one. I’ll be finishing high school and I’ll be beginning college. I’ll be an adult. Woah. This should be very very interesting.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
New Year's Resolution: Let's start now.
Don't go searching for it.
Let it come to you.
Don't stress, don't fret.
It will find it's way.
Patience is a virtue.
Happiness only comes to those who wait.
I plan to live by the previous statement to its fullest potential.
There are times when we, and i mean me, get caught up "in the moment" and not necessarily rationalize everything we do, especially when it comes to relationships.
I need to learn patience most of all. Be patient, Kaleb.
I met a couple at OZ on Christmas and i told them that i loved them and wished to be picture perfect like them. They were together for nearly 30 years and contently happy.
One of them looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Oh, you'll get it some day. Don't you wait. I promise it. But don't go looking for it. It'll come to you. He'll come to you."
In the words of Tyler Curry, "I need a hero!"
A damsel in distress doesn't find a knight in shining armor, the prince finds you.
So for now, I'll sit in my watch tower and be patient.
My patience begins now, not later.
Let my hair grow long and long, and just pull him in.
Then I'll be happy.
Let it come to you.
Don't stress, don't fret.
It will find it's way.
Patience is a virtue.
Happiness only comes to those who wait.
I plan to live by the previous statement to its fullest potential.
There are times when we, and i mean me, get caught up "in the moment" and not necessarily rationalize everything we do, especially when it comes to relationships.
I need to learn patience most of all. Be patient, Kaleb.
I met a couple at OZ on Christmas and i told them that i loved them and wished to be picture perfect like them. They were together for nearly 30 years and contently happy.
One of them looked me straight in the eyes and said, "Oh, you'll get it some day. Don't you wait. I promise it. But don't go looking for it. It'll come to you. He'll come to you."
In the words of Tyler Curry, "I need a hero!"
A damsel in distress doesn't find a knight in shining armor, the prince finds you.
So for now, I'll sit in my watch tower and be patient.
My patience begins now, not later.
Let my hair grow long and long, and just pull him in.
Then I'll be happy.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
A New Leaf.
A tree at first glance appears as nothing but leaves and branches.
The leaves sway with the wind from side to side, with no support at all, but a tiny stem.
Seasons change quickly and the leaves fall one by one.
The tree will never look the same.
Next season's leaves will be completely different.
The branches sprout strongly from the trunk.
It is so easy to rely on them to swing and play.
They appear to be strong, but they break under pressure.
What is not seen unless you dig, are the roots.
They support the tree for what it is.
Remove the roots and the tree is nothing.
The roots are the core that keep the tree alive.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
What if we got off the roller coaster together?
What if we moved on to the next ride?
What if we experienced new ups and downs?
What if you held my hand when you were scared?
What if you held my hand when you were happy, too?
What if you went on by yourself?
What if you knew that I would be at the end of the ride waiting for you?
What if I could just move on?
What if i let you ride that ride over and over?
What if the whole time I wondered why I wasn't with you?
What if we moved on to the next ride?
What if we experienced new ups and downs?
What if you held my hand when you were scared?
What if you held my hand when you were happy, too?
What if you went on by yourself?
What if you knew that I would be at the end of the ride waiting for you?
What if I could just move on?
What if i let you ride that ride over and over?
What if the whole time I wondered why I wasn't with you?
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